Tear Stained Letters
by onlyone87
Summary: He left her a letter saying goodbye, and she left a letter saying she had chosen wrong.  Will be Jacob/Bella.


**A/N: This is my first Twilight story which to be honest I never saw myself ever writing, but I cracked. It's set at the end of Eclipse, after Bella went to visit Jacob when he was injured. So... here goes. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Mm, nope, nothing owned by me.**

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_Bella,_

_Everything is so hard. This... writing a letter to you... is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm trying my best to make it say everything I need to tell you, but I'm not too sure it does. _

_Honestly, I__ have__ so many copies that weren't good enough I'm now sitting next to a mountain of crumbled up paper, but I've decided, enough is enough._

_So this is the final one I'm writing and hopefully it will tell you everything._

_It's just hard to know what to put down. I mean I have the words but can__not__ seem to make them into a sentence. I always was better at showing my feelings with actions. Letters just seem so... **distant**._

_I guess I'll just start at the beginning._

_See I finally get it Bella. You've been __unconsciously__ screaming at me for weeks but I was to__o__ focused on my own feelings that I wasn't really listening to you. But I hear you now._

_It just hurts. _

_You don't want me, do you? And if I think back properly__,__ I don't think you ever did. I never really had a chance. _

_I hate to admit it but I really do wish he had never come back. If that phone had never rung. I was so close. All I needed was a few more seconds and..._

_That would have been the start of us, the __beginning__ of something great, but fate played it__s__ hand and I have to just play with what I've been dealt._

_And if he makes you happy, then I'm okay with that._

_I promise._

_I don't want your pity either__;__ because I know that__,__ this... everything that happened to us is my fault. I slipped up Bella, and I'm sorry. _

_I told you that I could handle being your friend, and for a while__,__ that was enough, but eventually I wanted more. I'm selfish when it comes to my feelings for you._

_See you make me want things. Marriage, kids, a__nd a__ house with a white picket fence... you make me a want a future._

_But the problem is you're the one I want that with, and as I can't have you then I don't want any of it. And that's what makes me weak._

_Because no matter how much I tried to fight it, or get you to change your mind the truth is __**you don't want me**__._

_And that breaks my heart._

_I just need you to know that I really would have done anything for you, even giving my own life just so the people around you may get a chance to see your smile for just one more day._

_It's a beautiful smile Bella, when you let yourself go and just feel._

_But I guess in the end nothing __that I offered was good enough for you. __He's perfect and I can't compete with that. What he has is the things that fairy-tales are based on but me... I'm just the natural path. But nothing about your life is natural._

_Believe me when I say I tried so hard to be what you wanted. I really did. __Now__ I'm just tired._

_It's exhausting fighting for something that is always going to be out of reach._

_I do have one question, and I know I won't hear the answer but still... _

_**Did you ever feel it? **_

_See there's a feeling that someone can get. It run__s so deep in your veins, it punctures your soul and screams constantly at you that there is someone else out there who knows the real you.__ They know your strengths and your weaknesses but still see with a perfect clarity the amazing person inside._

_I suppose you would say that for you, it's him. But I swear Bella __sometimes__ I would see the look in your eyes directed at me. I know because it's the same look I see reflected back at me when I look in the mirror and think of you._

_**Was it for me Bella?**_

_I used to hope so, but if I'm honest with myself__,__ I can't help but hope it wasn't. See the thought that the fire burning deep within your stomach and within the hidden chambers of your heart might have __occasionally__ scorched my name onto your lips, and you threw that away into the trash, well... that **crushes** me._

_I try to believe you would never be so cruel. It's just..._

_You __**kissed **__me Bella. You knew that if you asked me to kiss you I would. You used the one weakness I have against me. All because you couldn't let me go. But did you ever ask yourself why that was? You say you love me but not as much as him. Why couldn't you just choose me?_

_Kissing me was cruel Bella. But you know the thing that sickens me most of all. _

_I would do it again._

_I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you with my words, I would never hurt you. It's just... I feel so empty inside. _

_I've fought__, bled,__ and cried for you so hard that my body is broken, my veins are dry and eyes are raw. There's nothing left. I think that fixing you took everything I have. Don't misread this though because I swear I don't regret any of it. Not for one moment._

_**I love you Bella**__, so much. Not until your heart stops beating but until mine does. Probably even then. You're it for me__. You're the one.__ Even if you don't want to be._

_I hope reading this will help you understand what is next. _

_I'm going to leave. See you don't want me, and you don't need me. Not when you have him, so this is how I'm going to make it easy on you. I won't keep splitting you in half. You shouldn't have to feel the need to visit me because you feel sorry for me._

_I'm not leaving forever though, because as much as I want to run from all this, from you... Lapush is my home. And I'm going to need my family to help me with this._

_But for now__, I can't stay.__ I __**can't **__watch you die, and that's what will happen. Don't worry though because you'll forgive me for running and you know why? Because deep down you know that making me see you turn into something I despise will kill me, and I know you don't want that._

_Because you love me, just not enough, am I right? Did I finally hear what you've been screaming at me for weeks now correctly__?_

_You're love for me isn't enough, but I think what you really mean is... __**I'm not enough**__._

_I think though Bella, if you had given me a chance, we could've been happy. It would have been easy for us, because that's all our relationship has ever been. Simple and comforting. But I guess it's true when they say that all good things come to an end._

_And that's what this is. It's the end, because even though I'm coming back we can't be friends anymore._

_It breaks me to say it, but, I'm __**never**__ going to see you again._

_Just know that I really do love you, with everything I have and I know that not a day will pass when I won't wish that, that was enough. _

_Every touch, every smile you gave me, all of those memories will stay with me until I die. You're __seared__ into my brain Bella, and I'm sorry that this is way I'm choosing to say goodbye, but seeing you will be too hard._

_It's cowardly, but I know that if you asked me to stay I would, no matter how much it broke me. So I'm taking the easy way out. Don't try and come after me, because I'm already gone if you've gotten this far. And don't deny you wouldn't because I know you'll feel obligated to, but really__,__ I'll be okay._

_Could you just do one thing for me__?__ I know I shouldn't ask but... _

_**Could you remember me**__?_

_Please._

_Don't forget me. Don't forget that before you gave up your life there was a man out there who loved you so much he finally let you leave him, no matter how much it hurt him. I've never asked you for much but I just need you to do this, because I'm scared._

_I'm terrified that a few years from now you won't remember who am I, and I know that in years to come I'm going to die with your name on my lips._

_Because I can't and will never let you go, and even though you don't love me in the same way__, the thought that you'll forget me is tearing my heart out._

_Please Bella, let me own just one memory in your __never-ending__ life._

_**I'm begging you.**_

_There's only one more thing for me to say now... **Goodbye Bells**._

_I'm going to miss you so much. You were my best friend as well as being my soul._

_Yours, until the end of time._

_Jacob._

_P.S. Tell Charlie I'll be back, so he doesn't send out a search party for me._

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**A.N: Thank you for reading.**


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